07.29.15 Days on End, Days Without End

I've never been good at being still. To the same regard, my thoughts fire like wild synapses from endless stimulation. Sometimes I wonder if this is due to the nature in which I choose to live my life, or, if it is an inherent fault in the fabric of who I am.

I was once told about a graphical representation of thought and the mind's growth through time. I believe it was called Maslow's triangle. At the base of the triangle are one's physiological needs, such as air, food, water, & sex (It always made me smile to read sex alongside such vital necessities). The next few steps in the triangle include safety, love, esteem, and finally, self-actualization. Each step in the triangle one more privileged than the other. Many of us, many of the people I respect most, never can make it to the top of Maslow's pyramid. The ladder breaks; the system breaks and they remain forever stuck.

I lived most of my childhood in the first step of the triangle, not knowing where next I was going to eat, drink, sleep (or fuck). Then, all of a sudden, I found safety and love. And although I seem to have skipped esteem, I have landed in the top rung of existence and I am going fucking crazy. Why do I deserve to be here: 1. And, how are we ever expected to sort through all these conceptions: 2.

I can't calm myself. My heart beats fast at all times, yet I can't get my mind off the moment it will finally cease.

06.21.15 Hazy

 I'm lost for words--

life is hazy 

and

footsteps are aimless. 

Kodak 400 & Nikon L35 // Ilford 400 & Nikon N90S

06.06.15: Earth Candy

Kodak Portra 800 // Canon AE-1 // Brooklyn, NY

06.01.15: Fiercely Unbalanced

I heard those two words somewhere recently ("fiercely unbalanced") and haven't been able to get them out of my head since. Two words never sounded so good together. Two words never described my state of being, my experiences, & my perspective of the world so well. 

From the moment I open my eyes, until they finally shut at night--I am enveloped in contrast. I cry, and smile through tears. I walk among privileged elites, and share brews with others lucky to eat a meal each day. 

On an 18 hour train ride from Atlanta to New York City, I rode through DC proper and the outskirts of Baltimore. During my trip, I walked 5th avenue and talked life with street walkers and tunnel dwellers. 

All of it strained my heart--all of it mental tug of war. 

I left my New York City with a black eye, a tattoo, a ticket for public intoxication, and more images branded into my brain then what is usually retained over the course of a year. 

I awoke on my birthday shivering on the roof of my hostel; I peeled my eyes open and I sank into reality. I couldn't decide if I felt free or alone. Lucky or undone. 

I was it all--fiercely balanced, because that's the world we live in. 

Ilford Delta 100 // Canon AE-1 // NYC